The most vivid memory I have, is driving into that tunnel in North Carolina. It was a chilly day in spring, and the trees were still wet from the latest rainfall. The big stone channel was overgrown, to the point where it seemed like it grew up out of the ground. I shuddered as I sped into the opening; it would be a long time before I felt cold again.
I left the daylight behind me and there was no sign of it. The darkness was so intense that I was totally blind. I began to fear that tunnel would veer without warning and I would crash into a wall unawares. Before I thought to slow down I was already doing it. My foot had left the gas pedal and the car rolled on.
It crawled in this way for hours and hours, but finally it sputtered, stalled and stopped. The blacktop under my feet was cracked and uneven. With a few more steps, I was on shore of rocks. I never thought about turning around and heading back. All I wanted was to finally reach the end.
I walked for what felt like miles, and the soles of my shoes offered very little comfort. The rocks became gravel which turned into sand. I waded in it, as it rose past my ankles, but then my strength failed me and I fell on it face down. I hadn't realized it but the sand was warm, and with every passing minute it quickly rose in temperature.
I tried to raise my head and found that I could not. It was like my skull was a lead weight, impossible to move. The sand boiled my eyes and seared my teeth and gums. I couldn't even exhale to scream. As painful as it was and I swear it was agony, the overwhelming fear outpaced the pain.
I started moving again but in truth I was sinking, deeper into the cauldron of sand, drowning and burning alive. It rushed into my ears and cooked my brain. It snaked through my hair and whisked it all away. I would have wet myself but I knew before I tried, that I didn't have the strength to make water.
It felt as if I was melting down to the bone. I was going to die and I wanted it desperately. My body was engulfed and I sunk with greater speed. I took this all to mean I was being eaten.
I'd fallen into the guts of some earthen monster. A behemoth sized creature, that fed on stupid people. I'd driven on its lips and stepped into its jaws. It was a Venus flytrap and I was Cajun food.
To be honest with you, I don't know what it was. It could have been a beast or the pit of hell itself. I fell onto a bed, and I mean I fell onto it. I bounced on wet sheets and slid to the floor.
I was curled up there on the hard wood, weeping like I did when I was a child. It was five o'clock in the morning and Ted was still asleep. His boyfriend the C/O was stirring next to him, and I didn't want to be seen like I was. All I could think of was my home in this place; it's where I belong now, and I know why that is.
I can't say where they are, but God bless their souls. I'll serve my time in this life, and I pray that it's enough. My meals have been kept kosher ever since, and five times a day, I bow my head to the east. Every night is a page from The Bible. It's hard to read, but I try to understand.
They could rape me in this jail a million times. They could knock all my teeth out and I'd smile just the same. All I want to do is pay what I owe, and hope I earn some pity from the most high. If I ever see that horrible tunnel again, I must find the light, or nothing means anything.
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Confession by: CONFIDENTIAL
Practitioner: Dr. Donald Laughton
Laughton/Holleran Institute
September 15th, 2005
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